“You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding” — Francis Church, in Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus
* * *
About fifteen years ago when I was in primary school, a mate joyously revealed to me the secret ‘fact’ that Father Christmas was not real. This was about two weeks before Christmas. These last fifteen years have been a battle, but after much perseverance in research and truth I have come to these shocking conclusions. Here I present to you the real facts. This is my story.
I want to start with some commonly asked questions by skeptics. Firstly, how does Santa Claus get around everyone in the world in one night? It’s simple. What you’ve got to realise, guys, is that not everyone in the world celebrates Christmas. It’s mainly just the West, and even then it isn’t as widespread as you’d think. What is more, in a country such as Germany, they don’t celebrate Christmas on the 25th, but on the 24th instead so Santa has some time to go back and forth between continents. You’ll also find that the timezone differences add to the ease of this so that, for example, Santa has a twelve hour gap between Auckland and London. That’s a lot of time for a man in a red suit.
Now you ask how he gets presents down the chimney? This appears to be especially difficult concerning the man’s weight. But Father Christmas never used to be so fat. You could say that in his prime he had the build of a ninja/cat burglar, which was ideal for sneaking down people’s chimneys. But due to a plethora of milk, cookies and expensive spirits, Santa thinking it only right and polite to partake in, our gift provider has had to accomodate for an increasing belly. Thanks to modern technology though, this has meant little trouble for our bearded friend, further helped by the fact that most modern developments in science do not come from say NASA, China or eccentric German scientists, but the North Pole itself, where the elves are hard at work 24/7. If you have ever seen those movies where some CIA dude has a gun with a camera that can point round corners, you might be interested to know that the CIA embezzled the technology from elves hard at work developing technology to deposit presents down chimneys, allowing Santa to see inside the house and drop off the giftboxes where best suitable, all on the end of a remote control.
How, then, does a reindeer, a blatantly terrestrial creature, fly? Likewise with advances in technology, reindeers use a similar contraption to hover boots, which allows them to get off the ground with a good run up. When they are in the air, an amazing miracle of nature occurs, as if reindeers were always meant to fly in the first place. Their antlers creates a complex aerodynamic system that catches wind and air and then propels it along the backs of the reindeer like a jet engine. This not only allows for amazing speed and acceleration, but also means that the reindeer can stay in the air without relying on the boots to hold them there. You may not know this, but before the elves came up with hover boots, Old Nick used to ride a Pegasus named Blizzard, who could fly naturally. But when the North Pole went through a financial crisis with the rise of communism in the early 20th Century, Santa sold Blizzard on the black market for her meat.
Many people have mentioned the fact to me that no great explorer or citizen of the North Pole has ever given any reference to a Claus residence big enough to accommodate all the Christmas gifts in the world. To them I answer this: How do you think a compass works? If you listened in class, you would know that a compass works because it is magnetically drawn to the North Pole. And why is that? Because there is so much metal up there! This is clearly used for the construction of toys. But how come there is no visible evidence of elvely activity? Then, I ask you, how come you never see Santa drop off the presents? He’s just that good, my friend; he’s just that good.
I understand that the reader may have many more questions for which the scope of this post is unable to attend. Why not try writing to the man himself? Received letters and phone calls to the North Pole are an often overlooked proof for Father Christmas. Before closing I must make one note on the etymology of ‘Christmas’. A quick check on Wikipedia will tell you that it literally mean’s ‘Christ’s mass’, as a mass to celebrate the the birth of Christ. But that’s actually a separate celebration. The word ‘Christmas’ comes from an expression that people used when in days of old they met the man who gave them their presents. When Kris Kringle started operating centuries ago, he had so little people to get around that he actually came in for some tea before leaving a present (this is the origin of leaving milk and cookies for Santa). But as his influence spread, he had more people to get around and the children, remembering him from last year would say, “Kris must come this year; Kris must!” When they woke up in the morning to find that they had not gotten to see him, they were nonetheless delighted to find evidence of his earlier presence: presents. It became then embedded in folk culture to refer to these visits as “Kris must come!”, later shortened to “Kris must”, in hope that Santa would arrive that night. The modern spelling and misplacement of the ‘t’ is due to confusion with the Christian celebration, and an entirely different hero.